Think Beans

The bacon was sizzling
The pancakes were hot.
Yep, it was morning!
I wish it were not.

Bacon is bad. Too bad, too, because, frankly, many fine-minded friends and fairly decent folks are big bacon-lovers.

You would think the raw texture of uncooked bacon would be enough to keep people, especially compulsive hand-washers and -wringers, from bringing animal fat home and frying it up in a pan, but no. We live in a world where an astonishing number of adults go to work every morning with shiny chins and glazed eyes, just a-reekin' of bacon. (Sizzling bacon smells good, I'll give you that, if you'll remember this: That lip-smackin' aroma a-waftin' in the wind? That's the sputtering flesh of creatures you're inhaling--creatures considered by some experts to be smarter than many a dog.)

So, who's for soy? Who is ready to leave the 'B' out of the BLT's? Let us shut down the slaughter houses by boycotting bacon, real bacon bits, pork chops, ham hocks, jerky sticks, and all other pig-related products and byproducts that were packaged without regard for your health or animal life. Oui! Oui! Oui! All of us, let's do that, let us sally forth as human beings who eat beans, instead of pigs.

A FLU BLOG

What's demoralizing to your mortality is the way you're feeling fine, standing there at the kitchen sink, say, when suddenly: ah-shoot! ah-shoot! ah-shoot! God bless you, it's flu season.

Within seconds you go from normal to achy, wondering if maybe this is all in your head. But no, your throat hurts, too. Your throat hurts like the chickens with their heads chopped off. Even worse, your throat hurts like it did back when you were ten years old and the pediatrician--whose name was Dr. Reynolds, you still recall, after all these years, whenever you use tin foil--told you to say Ah, then told your mother how a tonsillectomy is what you were due for and she agreed to this common surgery that was an altogether particularly bad idea, but who knew? Nobody, back then. So hell-o, Jell-o and ice cream and scream all you want, you'll never have another sore throat, guaranteed! Even though there are no guarantees in life, none whatsoever. So get over it and get well soon.